A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
