Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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