I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
