we made out on top of his cat.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
