you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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