nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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