You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
