drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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