my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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