I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
