someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We need a shit load of segways right now
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
