I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
