I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
