just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
