Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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