wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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