Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
