and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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