Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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