I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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