I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
