she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
