she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
