it was like his penis was on wheels.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
