I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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