3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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