The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
