After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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