ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
