If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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