Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...