i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.