I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.