OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
