I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
