did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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