For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
