he wants to bone in the snuggie
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
