She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Randomize
