just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
