You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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