I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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