I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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