he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
