It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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