i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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