I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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