Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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