wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
