I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
