he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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