saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
