If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
