I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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