Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
