Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
