i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
